Amity, Oregon and surrounding communities have been destroyed by what officials and scientists are claiming “FireFox aliens”. The death toll is 17,000 and still counting. Officials estimate the toll to rise to 24,000 within the next few days as they survey the rest of the damage.
Surviving residents are enraged with officials since evidence of alien activity emerged as early as August 13th when an a farmer’s wheat field in Amity was discovered to have a crop circle that appeared overnight. Survivor Jace Thomeas left town on a hunch, warned officials and contacted local news warning “get the people out, FireFox is coming”. Mr. Thomas’s warnings went ignored and were actually scoffed at by neighbors.
Few photos exist of the actual destruction as it occurred, simply due to the fact that the devastation brought forth by alien aircraft wiped out electronic devices using electro-magnetic-gamma-particle technologies. Officials have released one color distorted image obtained from a 30MM camera found under and overturned water truck. Those who survived describe the same awful scene as seen in the released photo. “A red and orange orb emerged from the sky and moved along the inhabited terrain destroying everything in it’s path using some sort of invisible force that had the power of a tornado”. “The sound was terrible, the screaming and crying as people ran from the spaceship was unbearable”.
The survivors are thankful and seem to have one thing in common that was key to their survival: they use Internet Explorer as their Web browser. One IE 7 Beta 3 user can’t understand the reasoning behind the destruction of non-IE users: “It’s like these FireFox aliens are cannibals, they are evil, they seem to be the type that would punch themselves in the nose just to spite their fox like face.” He goes on to say “Much like when the FireFox browser touted itself as more secure”. Surviving artist Timothu Olhan has submitted an illustration of the FireFox alien to news crews to help make other non-IE users aware of what they are up against. “As the thousands of aliens made their way across the terrain ripping and tearing through human flesh I was surprisingly spared and only stared in frightened awe as the landscape and people turned into a living hell. I hope we can prevent this from happening again. If you value your life make sure that Internet Explorer is on your PC. In the mean-time be on the look out for the creatures I’ve recreated in my illustration”.
Officials are aware of the advice but aren’t relaying it until their investigations are complete. Meanwhile, uninformed surrounding towns are trying to get as far away as possible. The massive rush to escape has clogged interstate-5 and traffic is at a halt. Desperate families wanting to survive are leaving cars in the middle of the highway and moving North by foot.
Nearby OSU students are trying to dispel the few facts that are slowly working through the towns with propaganda stating that the “Firefox Crop Circle project shows that we have so much passion for Firefox that we want it to be visible from space”. The propaganda comes too late for surrounding towns as they are now seeing and experiencing the pain of the once beautiful, neighboring town Amity.
If you find yourself reading this article using FireFox, save your own life, download and install the latest verion of IE immediately. It’s only a matter of time before those FireFox thingies will be back.