Archive for February, 2007

Red Tape Removal Service


Red tape. Where do these people buy it at? Costco? Heck, the Costco bulk size isn’t even large enough to cover the amount I see. They’ve got to be going factory direct. It’s the only way they can afford it. I’m sure of it. Cases and cases of red tape line 10 wide and 4 high in each superiors’ secret red tape storage closet. How do they dispense it so fast? When do they dispense it? And most of all…why?! I’m pretty sure when you’re not looking they pull out one of those packaging tape dispensers and run precise circles around your needs. I bet some of them stay late into the night working extra hard at mastering the taping process. Drawing the tape out as far their arms will allow them to stretch, flipping the wrist back to gain that extra inch of red tape. Sticking the tape precisely where it’s due, running their fingers over it back and forth, back and forth, pressing hard to ensure the bond is snug. Long strands, of well bound, red tape. Sporting a Grinch like smile…a smirk with a touch of evil. Their hearts race with excitement as the dispenser cuts that strand on completion. Race with the excitement of knowing how they have strangled the process, canceled the hopes of productivity. No rest until the twisted desire subsides; subsiding only when everything is wrapped neatly in red tape.

I have a secret to share with you. I have a red tape removal service. Shoot me a message and I’ll take care of the red tape. Note: I can’t take care of the unwrapped and stuck red tape, I will only take care of the red tape in the secret red tape storage closet.

You have two service options to choose from:

Option 1: I’ll dye the red tape green. Using my insider knowledge about the secret red tape storage closet..don’t ask, I won’t tell you a thing. I can’t. If I did I could risk exposing the ENTIRE operation. Anyway… using my highly secretive knowledge I would utilize ninja skills to infiltrate the closet, unwrap each roll of red tape, soak it in my portable 3 gallon Tupperware container full of green dye, and kindly place the fresh rolls of green tape back into the boxes. Now, I know what you’re thinking: They are going to notice that it’s green the first time the go to use it. You are so wrong. I have tested this, they don’t notice. I have two theories on this: 1. To qualify as a superior you must be color-blind. Or 2. The sheer greedy desire of strangling your productivity leaves them oblivious to the minor detail of red vs. green. None the less, it works. I’ve validated it 3 times now. No worries. They just keep taping…but this time with green tape. Green equals go. Instead of restricting red, you can sprint for the finish line marked with green tape. Imagine yourself running in a race, sprinting for the finish, the finish line with green tape, your strides long and unrestricted, your pace surprising fast, as you approach that line you stretch forward crooning your neck to get that 1/10th of a second advantage.

Option 2: I’ll melt the red tape into a giant red superball.
Using my inside knowledge about the secret red tape storage closet..yada yada…I’ll crazily unwrap each roll like a 4 year old on Christmas morning, place the tape in my “red tape cauldron” and MELT it down to a sticky red tape base. I’ll take that base and pour it into my giant superball mold (approximate size of superball varies but averages 1.35 foot). Once the formerly red tape and now red superball is firm, I’ll break it from the cast and do with it what you request. I’ve had some pretty interesting requests in the past, one of my favorites being the gal that took said giant red superball and used it as an ergonomic ball chair. Very constructive she was.

Neither solution is permanent, more red tape will be purchased using the red tape budget, but the temporary productivity increase and spiteful satisfaction will be worth the price. Contact me for price and schedule availability.

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